There is always a choice – II

Recently I wrote a blog post called “There is always a choice” which got me thinking on so many different levels about this approach to our working day and our life in general. Today I want to expand on this and share some moments of my everyday life in which this concept allowed me to shift from an agitated and annoyed into peaceful and more productive state.

There are lots of things we think we need to do at home, and it appears that we don’t have a choice. I am talking about things like washing the dishes, doing laundry, swiping the floor, cleaning the stove etc. Especially in a young family with several children all of this can get quite overwhelming.

I used to experience such overwhelm almost every evening. After putting children to sleep, I usually sit down to work at the computer for a couple of hours. When I would finish working and go to the kitchen to get a glass of water – I’d get overwhelmed very quickly from seeing the amount of housework left for me to do. I’d find that the dry clothes need to be put down from the drying rack, the washing machine needs to be unloaded and the washed clothes hung up on the rack, my and children’s lunches need to be packed for tomorrow and the stove needs to be cleaned. And oh yes the dirty dishes from our dinner are still standing on the dining table.

Being tired so late at night, I would do all of the chores trying to complete the tasks as fast as possible, often full of resentment and even anger that I need to do it, and there is no choice. Gradually over the last several months I started to understand that there is an alternative approach that makes me happier and more at peace and allows me to go to bed with a feeling of freedom and choice (which in turn has a positive impact on my productivity the next day!)

Let’s start with the dirty dishes. We often feel we have to do dishes. As Sandra Dodd puts it, the problem with them is that “the attitude that someone has to wash the dishes gets in the way of seeing options”. Referencing Joyce Fetteroll and Deb Lewis, Sandra lists the following suggestions that can help you start seeing options and choices around washing dishes.

You could get cheap dishes at car-boot sale and throw them away after meal. You could use paper plates and throw them away or compost them. You could eat over sink or stove! You could make food that doesn’t need plates, and use paper towels or newspaper. You could eat out. Submerge the dishes in water until morning, and they’ll be easy to wash. Get a dishwasher.

Once you start seeing these options, you’ll begin to feel that there are choices around washing dirty dishes. You can start washing the dishes because you want to. “ What would make you want to?” – writes Sandra Dodd in her Big Book of Unschooling – “Love. Generosity. A desire to have an available kitchen, a clean slate, a fresh canvas. The wish to do something simple and kind for yourself and others. The wish to keep peace in your house. The preference of singing and feeling warm soupy water over accusations and threats and tears. The intention to build loving relationships rather than antagonism. The hope to make a haven of your home, rather than a dangerous trap everyone would love to escape”.

In our family my husband largely takes care of the dishes, so at this point I want to reflect on other house chores that I get to do, and how I have recently changed my attitude to doing them.

I get to unload the washing machine and hang up the wet clothes on the drying rack – almost every single day. I used to do it in a rush, cursing the fact that it is taking up so much of my time.

Now I choose to do it differently. I lovingly put up the clothes on the drying rack reflecting on all those wonderful activities we did wearing those clothes during the past couple of days. I remember how happy the boys were returning from one of their muddy walks wearing those trousers. I reflect on how delicious were those cakes we baked wearing those tops and aprons getting all covered in flour. I focus on the present moment and the feeling of wet clothes on my hands. When I finish hanging up and look at the watch I notice that it took only LITTLE time to do this chore. AND I feel happy and peaceful after doing it.

The same deal is with cleaning the stove. Previously unpleasant chore that I felt I have to do I now do with full attention and love. Wiping those porridge spills I think of Leo (2.5 years old) who that morning, with a little help from me, prepared breakfast for all of us, and how much the boys like cooking and enjoy eating healthy foods. As with hanging up the wet clothes, I have noticed that if I stay present during cleaning the oven and do not allow my mind to wonder and slip into negativity, it takes only little time to do the chore.

 (By all means use the best tools you can find to do the house chores. I enjoy cleaning the oven much more when I use my favourite oven cleaner, that I spray on the stove and leave it for 15 min and then just wipe it off. It works much better than a kitchen cleaner that instructs you to spray it on the stove and wipe it off after 30 seconds.)

“Do your chores as a gift to others!” I find this suggestion by Sandra Dodd inspiring and liberating, and choose to do my chores this way. I can see how positively it’s been affecting my moods, the levels of happiness and as a result – my productivity at work 🙂

With any chore, I find I always have a choice to either do it angrily and full of resentment or do it happily – which on will you choose?

(I have initially drafted this article three months ago, in March 2011 but then got quite overwhelmed with all the stuff on my plate and even burned-out. This week I was fortunate to attend several events and talks by Sandra Dodd who came to visit Edinburgh and socialise with our Edinburgh and Beyond Home Education Group. Listening to Sandra’s talks and having personal conversations with her inspired me to dig out this blog post out of the draft folder and finally publish it! :-))

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