There is always a choice

Do you ever find yourself saying “I don’t have time for this” or “I don’t have time for that”? For several years already I have been enjoying the power of an alternative expression “I have not made time for that”. And if I would really like to do something, my thinking would rather go in the direction of “Well, I’ll see if I can make time for this.” Would you agree that this is so much more powerful than “I would love to do this but I don’t have time, my life is so busy”?

It’s been over 5 years ago that I lived in the United States and had a conversation with a young lady, with whom we happened to travel on business together one day. Over a meal at an airport she shared with me her frustration with various diets she has tried. Obviously overweight, she also revealed that almost every meal was “fast food”. When I started to talk about my favourite meals that I cook for my self every other day, she exclaimed “But I don’t have time to cook!”

I remember feeling proud at my awareness of the “I can make time for this if I really want it” concept. I swear by it, and can attest I have made time in my life for almost everything I really wanted so far! This year I was in for a surprise when my awareness deepened (or widened?) and I realised that instead of “I have to” I can say “I choose to…” (and feel it). Sounds weird? Too far stretched? I want to share with you how it started affecting my life.

Try and listen to your language and the language of people around you, for one full day, to notice how often do we say and hear reactive phrases such as “I have to do this”, “I can’t have this” or “If only…” I have tried it and noticed: “If only my husband would be more proactive”, “If only my children would not be so wild”, “If only my mother would be more understanding”, “I need to go to work today”, “I have to leave NOW”, “I cannot afford it”, “She makes me so mad”, “There is nothing I can do”. Repeated often, it makes us feel victimised, out of control, not in charge of our life and our destiny. We blame outside forces – other people and circumstances (sometime even the stars!) – for our own situations.

Well, I was very happy to learn that there is a way to turn this trend around and claim control over our life (and work) situation. Stephen Covey says: “We can choose our response to circumstances.” By choosing our response we can even affect our circumstances in a powerful way.  One way to become aware of the power of choice is to ask ourselves “do I really have to do this, or do I have a choice?”

Every morning I needed to tell my children “I have to go to work, so you need to get ready to go to nursery right now”. I hated it. It’s been poisoning my mornings, especially because it was in dissonance with my practicing the radical unschooling philosophy and peaceful communication with my children. I started to ask myself, do I REALLY have to go to work now? Do I have a choice?

Olga's family: choosing to be joyful

I realised that I could stay at home with them, if I choose to. This is because I have my own Fellowship to do scientific research at University that gives me a great freedom, no bosses, no “have-to-do” projects, I set an agenda myself and write reports to the National Academy of Science of the UK once a year (and there have always been a lot to report!). And so I do stay at home and miss a day’s work if the children feel unwell. I can always catch up with some of the work from home in the evening when the children are in bed. When I got clear that I have a choice to stay at home, I realised that I WANT to go to work – because I have a lot of exiting projects going on, and I love doing data analysis, writing papers, making graphs, and supervising students. I started to say to my children that “I want to go to work now. Let’s get ready, I’ll bring you to nursery to see your friends”. And it has transformed my mornings. Now we joyfully get ready and enjoy the experience of getting to nursery riding on a bus, watching rubbish trucks and spotting taxis. We race to the kindergarden building and my heart melts hearing a joyful good-bye from the boys! You bet I feel more energetic and productive at work than ever!

So what do you think you “have to do” tomorrow or next week? Do you have a choice? Can you re-word it into a more powerful and responsible expression “I choose to…”?

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